My experience as a Jehovah’s Witness made me very skeptical in matters of faith. I felt the need to question the very foundation of my belief system. I found that when I put the Bible under the same microscope I had used to examine the Watchtower Society, I was very disappointed by the results. I think its fair to say that I felt nearly as betrayed by my faith in the Bible as I did by my faith in “Jehovah’s” organization.
I have attended a few churches in recent years and had some interesting and pointed discussions with ministers of various faiths. I think the most fascinating discussion was with a minister from a local congregational church (United Church of Christ). A very informed and enlightened individual, in my opinion, who had an exceptional grasp of higher criticism of the Bible but was quick to point out that these were matters for debate and discussion at seminaries – not in the local church.
I guess that my exploration of these kinds of issues left me wondering about the purpose of practicing Christianity in a traditional sense. I attended a number of meetings at a local Unitarian Universalist Church. I even gave a lecture there once regarding the Jehovah’s Witnesses and their views on blood. They asked me to join but it never felt right. In fact, it didn’t feel like a church or worship service at all – more like a college lecture on religion. I must say, however, that the U.U’s have a safe environment for former Jehovah’s Witnesses to heal from their experience with the Watchtower Society.
Today I would call myself a Fideist – one who believes in God because he finds it comforting yet acknowledges that there is no established factual basis for his belief. Perhaps that is the whole point of faith. I am nonetheless awed by that which I can observe, deeply moved by the mystery of life and compelled to thank God for the good things in my life and give him glory for his works. I ask nothing of God because it seems clear to me that God will not intervene in the affairs of mankind.
I find it nearly impossible to abandon my Christian heritage. I no longer see Jesus Christ as the “Word” of God but I maintain my deep respect and admiration for his teachings and the higher principles of Christianity. I consider myself a liberal Christian – one who is more interested in the religion of Jesus than the religion about Jesus. I also sense that Jesus had some unique vision or insight into the “Kingdom of God”, I seek that vision.
I will still find my way into a Kingdom Hall or convention from time to time. I miss a number of my Jehovah’s Witness friends and acquaintances but I can only force myself to spend brief periods in association with them. I feel no need or desire to “burst their bubble”. The information is out there if they want to find it.
Over the holiday, my wife and I attended a play at a large local Church. I must admit that I was utterly swept away by the rush of emotion I experienced at different points of the presentation that touched on Christian themes. In retrospect, I feel like the victim of a cruel hoax – emotional and spiritual rape seems to describe the feeling pretty well.
In all honesty, I did some of this to myself by not leaving well enough alone. However, were it not for the dysfunctional belief system I was raised in, I doubt that I would have ever opened Pandora’s box. In hindsight, I wish that upon leaving, I would have "bit the bullet" and got my family involved with some mainstream Protestant church like the U.C.C. or the Methodists. Even if I had to fake it, it would have probably been the best move for my children and eventually their children. These groups have benign belief systems and authority structures and can provide the sense of community and support that most of us need – especially when we are young.
So, for the time being I am content to call myself a dissident Jehovah’s Witness partly to irritate the WTS at least as much as they have irritated me but primarily to work as an advocate for reform of their blood policy.
Lee
